Why I Hid My Face
Three years ago, out of the blue, I noticed everything I ate left a nasty metallic taste in my mouth. It didn’t matter what it was – a sandwich, a piece of gum, anything. It all tasted like I was sucking on a mouthful of nickels.
Hmmm.
A few days later, my face felt weird. Really weird. I remember running into the bathroom, flipping the light switch and looking at my face in the mirror very intently. Something was wrong. But whatever it was, I couldn’t quite figure it out. It was subtle.
I flipped the light off and went back to what I was doing. An hour later, half of my face felt “heavy.” Racing back into the bathroom, this time I saw a vast difference in the mirror. The entire right side of my face was droopy. And I could barely move it.
I freaked out.
Calling the emergency nurse from our health plan, I tried to calmly (didn’t really work) tell her what was happening. She immediately asked, “Are you home alone?” I said, “No.” She said, “Good. Have that person drive you to the emergency room. Now.”
To say I was scared is an understatement. The emergency room nurse ushered me into a back room as soon as I arrived at the hospital. Three nurses and one doctor asked me about 200 questions…each. They poked me. The had me walk on a strip of tape with my arms straight out. They drew blood. They ran me through a big, noisy tunnel thing – twice. I told them about my really serious inner ear infection the week before.
THREE HOURS LATER, they said they had no idea what was wrong with my face.
You’re kidding right?
You just ran, like $4,000 worth of tests and you don’t know what’s wrong??? I refused to let them keep me overnight. Why run up more bills for a medical hotel? I went home and got on the Internet.
To make a long story short, I had Bell’s Palsy. I discovered this through GOOGLE. For. Free. Anyway, when I saw my family doctor, I told her I had Bell’s Palsy. She confirmed it. Then she said it had to go away on it’s own…in a few weeks. Or months. Or years. No one really knows. “It’s different for everyone.”
Thanks.
I can’t tell you how self conscious I was.
I stopped smiling. Because when I smiled, half my face was left behind.
If I forgot and let out a full blown belly laugh, I’d immediately covered my face with my hand.
Walking on the street, I began to notice every individual with any sort of physical challenge. I’d meet their eyes, especially with women, and try to see how they grew courage not to act like I was acting.
How do you live with a twisted face in a Photoshopped world where physical beauty is so vigorously celebrated? I became depressed. Because my face didn’t look like my own anymore. And because I was ashamed to be so distraught over it. It wasn’t like I couldn’t walk. Or see. My world hadn’t changed that much.
Friends told me I was being silly. That you could hardly tell. And even if you can, no one cares. It doesn’t really affect your life.
They meant well. But that’s not entirely true.
According to a study published last month in the Journal of Applied Psychology, people with facial disfigurements don’t only have to worry about the way strangers look at them on the street. They also have to worry about not getting a great job that they are qualified to do.
The study revealed that interviewers were distracted by facial scars, birth marks and other such things to the point of not remembering much of what the applicant said during the interview. And as a result, they were less likely to hire that person!
I didn’t notice if the study was broken down by gender, but I bet women fare even worst than men in this situation. After all, other studies have shown that more attractive women (and women who wear makeup!) are more likely to be hired and viewed as more competent that unattractive women.
I didn’t have to go on a job interview during my Bell’s Palsy ordeal. But I know if I had, I would have felt incredibly stressed.
So, like life isn’t hard enough, now there’s the not-pretty-enough-for-this-job-cause-you’ve-got-a-birthmark issue. Wow.
The point of the study was to make managers aware of this unrealized, but very unfair prejudice. And hopefully help interviewers to recondition their mind to really focus on what every applicant is saying.
I’m glad I got Bell’s Palsy. I know that sounds strange, but I am. It only lasted two weeks. But it changed how I view others and myself. I realized how much I took for granted how I look and what I can do with my body.
Not being able to move one side of your face is so humbling.
It seems like such a tiny thing. But if you can’t do it, it isn’t so small. Trust me. I like to think that if I’d had to live indefinitely with Bell’s Palsy, I’d have (in time) become less self conscious. But I don’t know.
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